


Looks Like This Could Be The End

by Stanxiety



Category: Deadly Premonition | Red Seeds Profile, Detroit: Become Human (Video Game), Heavy Rain
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cages, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 13:52:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15820188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stanxiety/pseuds/Stanxiety
Summary: “Anderson, we got the motherload of cases here! Blood, fat lard androids covered in glue, people throwing ball pit balls that might have slobber on them at one another; it’s chaos!” Fowler’s spit was practically flying through the phone into his ear. Hank wiped off his ear and proceeded to listen. “Get your geriatric ass down here, sans the plastic dick in your mouth, and get to work on cleaning this up and figuring out what started this mess!”At Hank’s hesitation Fowler added, “If you aren’t here in 30 minutes I’m forwarding your new boytoy your old fanfic.net account and I KNOW he’ll leave your weebo ass.”Hank sped out the door faster than Sonic on cocaine with rollerblades. Which, coincidentally, was something that happened in chapter 12 of Hank’s fanfic.





	Looks Like This Could Be The End

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaborative effort, special thanks to Connor RK800, and that guy Anonymous.

Once upon a time, Hank’s dick fucking split Connor in two.

 

“Aw fuck,” Hank spit out cum all over Connor’s face and got pissed off that his new robo boy was broken.

 

Luckily they had some super-glue.

 

“Lieutenant, I don’t think that’s CyberLife approved.”

 

“It’s Gay Glue, the best glue for sex accidents.”

 

“Trust me, it works,” Markus said, from the other room, as he got fucked by North’s huge strap on. Simon whimpered as he watched from the corner. At this point, Simon was 90% super glue.

 

Suddenly, an explosion rang out and everyone stopped their JAM session into buttholes.

 

Jeffrey Fowler burst through the drywall of Hank’s home on a speedboat. “Solve some fucking crimes, assholes!”

 

Hank slammed his fist down on to a desk that was conveniently next to his nubile robo boy’s ass. Super glue wasn’t going to save his walls. “Quit riding my balls, Jeffrey! It’s my day off!”

 

They would need Gorilla Glue for that shit.

 

Connor mind-googled how to repair a wall and placed orders for the supplies. He also bought some new pants. Luckily there was a sale on Gorilla Glue, free with purchase of Gay Glue. He bought some extra for Simon as a present then started to browse Etsy for custom 3D printed dicks. He also bought one for Simon as a present.

 

“Damn it, Anderson! This isn’t a Sunday morning stroll in the park! This is WAR!” Jeffrey Fowler did a sick spinout on his motorboat, splashing puddles of extra gay glue everywhere. Connor wiped his eye sockets off stoically. Then, without any fucking explanation of where they could find a good lead or gave any investigation briefing, he sped off, flipping Hank the bird with a free hand.

 

Meanwhile… a very bloody looking PL600 with a familiar face was doing his best to locate a girl who had been transferred into social services to be relocated into a more stable family. His only lead was the name Ralph.

 

The joint on the corner was shady as the android named Daniel walked in. Smoke hung heavy over the downtrodden heads of the service workers nursing their drinks after a long tired day. In the corner, a jukebox, belting out brassy jazz. Daniel tilted the brim of his hat, hoping to hide his LED from any wandering eyes. His contact would be here, among the riff raff.

 

Back at the orgy a delivery drone dropped a package for an extra small microdick on Simon’s head.Simon contemplated the sweet release of death and watched North go to town on Markus.

 

Markus held out a hand, beckoning Simon over. Simon’s heart skipped a beat-- was this it?! His moment?

 

“S-simon… I need…” Simon tilted on his toes for the answer. “A… towel…”

 

Simon went to go look for a gun.

 

Luckily Hank had left his on the table after a long night of drinking. It only had one bullet, but that would be enough.

 

As he held the gun to his temple, he let out one single tear of Gay Glue. Josh watched from the corner, rolling his eyes and continuing to read his copy of Chicken Soup for the Android Soul.

 

Alas, the tear of glue mucked up the gun, causing it to explode in Simon’s hand.

 

“My gun!” shouted Hank.

 

“My towel!” shouted Markus.

 

"My arm!" shouted Simon.

 

"Nobody gives a fuck about you or your arm, Simon!" yelled North, exasperated after witnessing Simon miserably fail yet another suicide attempt.  
"And my bitch still needs that towel!"

 

Back in the tavern, Daniel scanned over the men and women with his good eye. After the shoddy repair job he’d received, he hadn’t been the same and never gained full usage of his mind palace properties. Still, it would have to do. As he passed booths, a burly man stood from his seat and slammed into his shoulder, putting him off balance. The man, confused by Daniel’s weight for his size tilted his head. “The hell did you run into me for!” The boisterous voice was half-drowned out by the bar’s ambience. “Apologize, moron!”

 

Daniel, with no time for manners, reached out and clenched a plastic-y, half-broken hand around the man’s stout neck. He squeezed, the man’s pallor becoming more crimson by the second and causing him to sputter and wheeze.

 

“Get out of my way.”

 

“Sir, please, this is a family restaurant!” yelled a man in a Chuck E Cheese costume.

 

Dozens of small children started streaming. One young girl popped her head out of the ballpit. That girl’s name was Alice.

 

Daniel threw the guy out of his way and honed in on the girl in the ballpit. At that moment, his scanning started to malfunction. As he got closer, he saw the resemblance and something in him lit up.

 

“Emma!” He yelled out, reaching for the child. “I found you!”

 

Alice started to throw balls at his face, knocking his hat off. “You’re not my mommy! I’m cold! I’m freezing! Help!”

 

Kara jumped in with a folding chair. Twelve Jerrys stood on the sidelines, waiting to be tagged in. In the background scurrying of patrons, Zlatko stood by, steepling his fingers and thinking of how he was going to use whatever corpses were left over when the fight finished.

 

A tank burst through a wall, Fowler popping out the top. “You are all under arrest!”

 

Flood lights from drones circling above overhead blinded Daniel and he froze in place. Police officers piled in and then the earth began to quake. STOMP STOMP STOMP.

 

Making an even larger hole behind the tank, an android dressed in white, rounder than the moon. Thirium leaked from its gargantuan mouth. It let out a rumbly roar. “AR-KAY HUNGY!”

 

“Quick!” shouted Fowler, “use the Gay Glue!”

 

Officers rolled out a cannon. Glue spurted out covering the beast until he looked like Connor after a long night on Hank’s couch, but less smexy.

 

Gay and glue ridden, the monster flailed about angrily, trying to stop the barrage but it was useless. The massive creature ceased all motor function and toppled to the ground, causing all in its radius to fly in the air with the contact of the weight hitting the ground.

 

“I guess it was gay glue that killed ze beast,” David Cage said, teary-eyed in the corner as he wrote a shower scene where Kara washed off all the sexy glue. Little did he know that contact with water causes superglue to cure faster.

 

Getting his hands cuffed, Daniel became depressed knowing that somewhere out there, Emma was still waiting to be saved from being alone. Only he could help her and now his only lead was lost with the catastrophic event unfolding before him. “RALPH WANTS TO HELP!”

 

Daniel snapped his sight over to a scar-faced android wearing a poncho, running over the rubble with a giant butcher’s knife in hand. He watched as the robot stabbed five cops and licked the blood off the blade. “Ralph is helping! Ralph will delete the nasty humans and help Daniel!”

 

Daniel felt something contract deep inside of him. Was this love? Or the superglue drying?

 

Kara used the commotion to scoop Alice up in her arms. “Peace out, bitches!” she shouted, throwing a smoke bomb and escaping into the night. The twelve Jerrys connected hands and began to meld together to create a super sized Jerry. “We must also go. Our people are calling.”

 

The Jerry golem outstretched its arms into the sky and took off, flying like a shooting star. Daniel and Ralph smiled and waved good-bye as cops bled out beside them.

 

Fowler sat in his tank, sad and more alone than Simon. Still, at least he had both of his hands.

 

Back at Hank’s house Connor was still browsing DIY genitalia sites on google. He lingered for a moment on a youtube tutorial for making a vagina then tabbed out. “That’s dumb,” he laughed. Who would think of such a silly thing? He forwarded the link to Simon anyway.

 

Hank’s phone started to ring and he pulled his massive dick back into his trousers, holding it at bay with the tightest leather belt his cop’s wages could buy. Growling that he still didn’t know how to work his damn Jitterbug (™) phone, he slammed the keys until it answered. “Anderson. Whaddafuck do you want?! I’m kind of busy here!”

 

“Anderson, we got the motherload of cases here! Blood, fat lard androids covered in glue, people throwing ball pit balls that might have slobber on them at one another; it’s chaos!” Fowler’s spit was practically flying through the phone into his ear. Hank wiped off his ear and proceeded to listen. “Get your geriatric ass down here, sans the plastic dick in your mouth, and get to work on cleaning this up and figuring out what started this mess!”

 

At Hank’s hesitation Fowler added, “If you aren’t here in 30 minutes I’m forwarding your new boytoy your old fanfic.net account and I KNOW he’ll leave your weebo ass.”

 

Hank sped out the door faster than Sonic on cocaine with rollerblades. Which, coincidentally, was something that happened in chapter 12 of Hank’s fanfic.

 

“Wait for me, lieutenant!” Connor shouted, doing a super spin and getting the last of the gay glue off his smooth chest and legs. Simon’s eyes were glued shut in the process, stopping his tears from ever running again. North remotely hacked him and started World War 5. Also, coincidentally Hank’s favorite Call of Duty game in his teenage years.

 

In another building, miles away, a suited man stood in the bathroom, washing blood away from his nostrils. He left the semen that coated his face alone, knowing from experience that it made for a decent moisturizer. He tossed sunglasses aside on the countertop and massaged his temples. His phone rang. “This is Jayden.”

 

“Someone with your expertise is needed, Agent Jayden. We may have found the first evidence of extraterrestrials. We’re sending you a file now.”  
At the same time, another phone rang and was promptly picked up. Cheery whistling tunes began to play and a guitar strummed. “Who do you think it is, Zach?”

 

“Agent Morgan?” York brushed the tips of his fingers against his lapel. “This is the bureau. We have a case for you. You’ll be working with Agent Norman Jayden. Go to Detroit for your briefing. May god have mercy on your soul.”

 

The phone clicked.

 

“Well, Zach. That was mighty ominous, don’t you think? Not the warmest reception. They must be having a rough day. Can’t blame them for the cold shoulder if that’s the case.”

 

A crocodile slid in through the window. It thirsted for blood.

 

From outside screams were heard as the crocodile rampaged. Everyone was fucking dead.

 

“Do you like ze plot twist?” asked David Cage.

 

IGN gave him a 3.2 out of 10. Game Informer gave him a 1 out of 10. Famitsu gave him a 10/10. Hideo Kojima pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and laughed. “Child’s play.” But it was said in Japanese. Not English.

 

David Cage just looked at his massive collection of gay porn photoshops and smiled.

 

Hideo Kojima looked at the Snake Eater pachinko machines and Snake’s flat ass in the new Super Smash Bros. and cried. Mads Mikkelson’s arms came around him and pulled Kojima into a warm embrace. They cuddled softly under the kotatsu.

 

David Cage looked to Ellen Page and Valorie Curry for a hug too… but there was no one there. Just a restraining order. He clenched a fist and retreated back into his Sun Palace to jerk off to pictures of women with short hair.

 

Meanwhile, back at the site of RK900’s bloated gay-glued, maybe not-corpse…

 

His fake flesh bulged and writhed before a horde of tiny Connor 60-70s popped out of his stomach like that video of the weird type of frog.  
Ralph swooped an arm around Daniel and karate kicked the cop trying to cuff him away. He then tossed his knife smack dab between the eyes of a naked, newborn -60 trying to steal his clothing.

 

“Ralph knows where to hide! Follow me!” He clasped his hand around Daniel’s and ran, the naked Connor brood chasing after them.

 

“You know where Emma is, right?” Daniel yelled, wondering if this was indeed the contact he’d been sent to find. “You have the intel on where she’s being kept?”

 

“Shut up,” Ralph said, sneezing. “You talk too much!”

 

Emma was at Disney World. After a traumatic Small World experience she had fled and now hid in a corner of Toon Town.

 

“Hey come out of there,” came a voice like Daniel’s but it was just a different PL600 with a different child and Emma cried. A lot.

 

And then everyone was in a High School AU.

 

Davey Cage was the most popular guy in school. He wore a letterman jacket and had two pixie-haired babes on his arms at all times. The back of his jacket read: E M O T I O N. Because he cared about people’s feelings, unlike the school bully, Hank Anderson. He was a washed up sad Jock who had watched his brother die in a car accident so he’d taken up smoking and drinking and hardcore drugs to fill the hole his fallen kin had left behind.

 

That hole could never be filled until…

 

The TRANSFER STUDENT! Yes, a nerdy little 5 foot-nothing twink in a finely pressed uniform showed up to class one day and BA BOOM BA BOOM. Hank’s heart began to pound. WHOA MOMMA! Was that boy SPICY! What a fucking TREAT! What an absolute SNACK.

 

“Okay,” Miss Amanda Stern said to the class. “This is the new student, Connor. He’s from the town of CyberiaLifu. He was homeschooled until now. Be nice to him, he has autism. He’s also the new student hall monitor. If you guys don’t have hall passes, he has free license to eat your asses.”

 

Carly Rae Jepsen started playing in the background.

 

Emma awoke from her horrible nightmare with her face stuck to a Mickey Mouse hat. Oh no that had almost been as terrible as the ones where the creepy robot police man shot Daniel then burst into spaghetti. 

 

But Hank didn’t care. He had some nerds to beat up. Starting with David Cage.

 

But Cage grabbed Hank by the back of his shirt and bent him over a desk, shoving his pants down at the same time. “I’m going to use ze Gay Glue as lube,” he said huskily.

 

Connor walked up to them, looking scrawny and weak and hairless. “Do you have your Gay Glue license?” he asked.

 

“I am ze busy,” Cage said, balls deep in Hank’s secret files. Connor grabbed Cage and kissed him, turning on the shower at the same time. 

 

“How is there a shower in a high school classroom?” asked Connor.

 

“There was a terrible plumbing accident when a dumb robot blew off his hand!”

 

This explanation was nonsensical, as there are no robots in this high school AU. Connor squinted at the pair of daddies, feeling something deep within him… he needed to put a stop to it. 

 

Suddenly the truth hit him. Amanda! This was all her doing!

 

But where was the backdoor this time? Was it… David Cage’s backdoor? The thought excited Connor. Since the moment he saw Cage, he knew… this man was the one for him.

 

Hank pulled out a gun. “Moment of truth, Cage,” he said.

 

Hank somehow managed this while Cage continued to pound away at him because he was just that good. He had been a cop for a bazillion years, after all.He had taken so much dick that nothing could phase him at this point.

 

Connor could not take it any longer, he forced himself between Hank and Cage, ripping them apart with his surprisingly strong twiggy arms. He lustfully inserted his tab A into Cage’s tab B, making an ahegao face.

 

He was back to reality! But what is reality? Is anything for real, or not?

 

What is a man? A man da? Amanda please? WWW.AMANDAPLEASE.COM, the website URL flashed in front of Connor’s puppy eyes. A miserable pile of secrets.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjazC45Qkww

 

Oops, there went gravity! 

 

Amanda slammed her desk. “This whole experiment has been a fucking failure.”

 

Connor landed on Simon. “Did you ever get that order of Gay Glue I bought for you?”

 

But Simon was now so full of glue he could not respond.

 

“You deviants need to stop using this classroom as a fucking hotel room,” said Amanda.

 

“You’re not my real mom!” Connor -60 yelled, flipping the double bird and giving her the stink eye. He looked like a real rough rider with his 50’s leather jacket and greaser hairstyle. "Plus, it smells like poop in here!" he added. "I think a dog pooped in you classroom."

 

“Young man, you’re getting a timeout!” Amanda screamed.

 

“You can’t do that! You don’t even have a boyfriend! No one loves you, stinky old woman! Fuck the police!” And then he dabbed.He had been freed from the shackles of Amanda’s control by that most powerful of things, love. For he had finally come out of the robot closet and fell in love with you, David Cage. You sexy son of a bitch. God I’d fuck you right now if I could.

 

Suddenly, the doors to the classroom burst open. In stepped a dark haired man in a suit, who was wearing epic sunglasses. Beside him stood an angry looking middle-aged man. That man was NOT GASTON and his sidekick. It was SO NOT GASTON. IT WAS BLAKE, HIS HUSBAND.

 

“Agent Nahman Jayden, FBI,” The man in a suit moaned, pulling out a badge. “This is my domestic partner, Lieutenant Carter Blake.” He pointed to the seething pile of anger in human form. “There’s been a report of an underage orgy here, we’ve come to put a stop to it.”

 

A crocodile jumped through a window to eat them. Riding on its back, a buzz-cut adorned man with scars on his face who was also wearing a tidy suit waved to them and winked. “Agent Francis Morgan. But please, call me Yorkie. You know, like the dog.” Baggies of red seeds started to fall out of his pockets.

 

Meanwhile Daniel and Ralph flew to Disney World. Unfortunately, since androids were second class citizens, they had to ride in the cargo hold. North clicked the NUKE DISNEY WORLD button. “All according to my keikaku,” she cackled, pulling on her evil (™) cape and sitting on her throne of human blood and bones.

 

This meant that when Daniel arrived Emma was fucking dead. North laughed evilly. As she laughed, her body began expanding. The hair on her scalp fell off, and she kept on laughing. North had turned into the Fat Evil.

 

Daniel’s revenge quest against North had begun. Daniel put on his aviator sunglasses. He started doing push-ups on the ground. He had to get buff before killing North.

 

But Daniel made one fatal mistake. He asked North about her past.

 

Ralph started bawling uncontrollably, knowing what awaited Daniel.

 

“Daniel-kun...” muttered North,still strap-on harness deep inside Markus.

 

IS THIS THE END FOR OUR HEROES? Yeah, it is.

 

To see the exciting conclusion, please purchase the “Detroit: Become Human - NORTH’S REQUIEM” DLC for $19.99 USD (taxes applicable)


End file.
